One day to countdown and things are looking good on the home front.  Bear took a shower with me this morning so she’ll smell pretty while I’m gone.

I find it appropriate at this time to share an email sent to me before my first trip to India by one of my students who did a lot of traveling to India for work (IT related). I found it funny when I first read it and it hasn’t lost its humor a day before leaving on my second journey there.

The unaltered email goes as follows:

“From: MJ

Date: July 25, 2013, 11:16:04 AM PDT

To: Chere Thomas <[email protected]>

Subject: My India Short List

Sorry for taking my SAT in sending this, I’ve been swamped. 
This is my experience from the 4 Indian stages I have been to. I have tried to put down things that might not be stated explicitly in travel books etc. In no particular order….
– Hand sanitizer: I would never use this stuff anywhere but India. Use it often cos being sick in India sucks. I have been there, it’s frightening.
– Pepto, Imodium and any other reactive drugs you can get your hands on.

– only eat cooked things, never eat salads or cold dishes. Avoid buffets. One time I was at a work related event. My colleagues ordered the food for the table. I tried all sorts of things thinking that they knew I was western and that they’d only order things I could eat. When I missed work for two days I told one of the managers I had been sick from the food. He said, “what did you eat?” and I said, “the red curry, the okra, the ricey thing wrapped in banana leaves…” and he stopped me and said, “oh, you ate the banana rice?” and I said, “yeah, of course, you guys told me to try everything” and he said, “oh yeah, y’see I wouldn’t have eaten that” so I said, “well then why the heck would you order it?” and he said, “oh, I thought that you might like to try it” WTF man, we work together and you got me poisoned?

– don’t eat street food. I have never done this but heard only bad things. Even my Indian colleagues tell me not to do this and that is saying a lot.

– only drink hot coffee or tea: I personally love their tea. Well, I love their food too but obviously need to be judicious. But no cold coffee or tea and especially no ice.

– only drink from dry glasses: when glasses are brought to ur table make sure they are dry. Water borne bacteria usually die when the water dries! Needless to say make they open your bottled water on front of you.

– keep your mouth closed in the shower!!! That water will make u sick no matter what way it gets into you.

– when brushing teeth rinse with bottled water. Keep ur toothbrush with your luggage, try not to leave it near the sink.

– Theft from hotel rooms is common even in luxury hotels. One girl I work with repeatedly had make-up stolen. They didn’t touch her money or watch but stole her half-used mascara!

– taxis: try and only get taxis approved by your hotel or other sources you trust. Indian taxi drivers see you as a walking source of cash so they bring you to their ‘cousin’s’ carpet emporium for ‘just a quick stop’ to see if you’d like anything. One friend of my mine was brought to three consecutive ‘cousin’s’ nick-nack shops before finally being brought to his hotel. Needless to say the taxi driver gets a kickback from his cousin.

Tipping: I am sure the travel books will confirm this but tipping is optional in India. I did it a lot but only for people who didn’t scam me.

– Malaria: Im sure you have Maladrone or some other anti-malarial. Regardless I would use spray-on insecticide. DEET is obviously quite evil but there may be homepathic ointments available at People’s or wherever.

– Guys holding hands: only STRAIGHT guys hands in India. It is a very homophobic society so notions such as gay marriage are incomprehensible to the average Indian. You will rarely see women hold hands.

– Guys groping western women: even though India is quite matriarchal there is still a lot of sexism and masochism. I spent time there with girls I work with and walking down the street these random guys would try these insidious little gropes as they walked by. I didn’t realize until I was told it was happening under my nose.

– Filth: you will get used it quickly. It is the filthiest place I have ever been and I have been a lot places. It makes countries like Morocco and Vietnam look like operating theaters. 

– Yes means no. Apart from head wobble which looks like they are saying no instead of yes, they tend to tell you yes even when the answer is no. The wrong way to ask the concierge is “can I walk there in 15 minutes?” This should instead be phrased as “how long does it take to walk there?” I still haven’t mastered question asking in India. “will my laundry be ready by 6pm?” caused me a heckavulatof problems one time. I should have said something like, “if my laundry isn’t ready by 6pm I am going to call your manager, so when ccan my laundry be ready?”

– The Man: the cops / army at the airport and other places are typically quite macho and even if there is no problem they try to act like there is one. The basically want you to respect / fear them. I usually just ignore them and try not to engage. Bribes are pretty common but the couple of times they tried it on I just played dumb and got away with it.  

You may randomly see guys dressed a semi-cops. They’ll be wearning some kind of pants, shirt and a police-style cap with a brow on it. They try to act like they are badasses but they’re even less relevant than rent-a-cops. They typically work at hotels etc.

I have a good story about a hotel manager who had to be The Man until Oracle threatened to withdraw their contract if a payment wasn’t removed from my credit card. It would take to long to type, it’s a story for another day.

Big Deal: You may find situations where people will act like something is a big deal. For example, you might have a reservation at a hotel or somewhere and the person checking you in is staring at the computer screen acting like something is wrong. They call a manager out and start yapping in Telegu or something and then a third manager is called. There may be questions here and there directed at you but the answers will not seem to solve the issue. Sit tight, it will be resolved in due course! I never figured out what this charade is about but I have seen it played out a few times.

– Western vegetarianism: they assume every westerner eats cow and chicken etc. So if Indians are bringing you out they tend to bring you somewhere with meat. They might bring you to a readlly shoddy Johnny Rockets thinking that’s what you want. You’re dealing with the legacy of a long line of westerners who want western food in an *ethnic setting*.  

– The British legacy: it’s pretty entertaining to see it in action, they say things like ‘what is your good name madam?’ which means nothing more than ‘what’s your name?’ or ‘kindly do the needful’ which means ‘do what I just told you to’ or ‘I have a query’ which obviously means that they have a question.

Blatant staring: depending upon where you are people may stare at you fixedly without blinking for minutes on end. I could never adjust to this.

– Mustaches: they make men look brave. Very brave. If you see a guy without a mustache please let me know 🙂   

That’s all for now, have a great trip!

mj”
I just heard on the news SD is expecting some “monsoonal weather” in the next several days. I wonder if it will be anything like the forecasted monsoonal thunderstorms with temps in the 80s in Pune for the next 10 days straight, and indefinitely after that?? It’s the end of monsoon season there, so I’ll be carrying my umbrella with me at all times.
Blogged on Amma’s iPhone from home with LOVE!